Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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