I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
His nipple licking is glorious
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