dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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