My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
