So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
