I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
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