An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
