We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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