this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
