he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
