I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
