Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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