I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
