just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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