Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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