i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
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