The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
