i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
