You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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