i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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