The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
