using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
mondays should just be called national damage control day
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
