you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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