I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Randomize
