i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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