I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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