Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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