Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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