Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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