how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize
