can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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