I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
