Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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