sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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