i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
