I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
