I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
