his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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