my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
