If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
We are all done wearing pants today
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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