She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
