I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
