okay pat passed out under dana's car
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
