I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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