I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
May the power of my ass compel you!!
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
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