The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
