It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Randomize
