I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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