Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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