Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize
