so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Randomize
