Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
