In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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